Breaking News: Maria Sharapova is NOT a Dead Frog in the Sack and Adam Levine is Still a Raging DBAG

I was scanning one my favorite sports blog yesterday 100% Injury Rate (actually pimping my CBInc post too, thanks dude!) and I almost cried when reading this headline:

"Maria is not good in bed."

Noooooooooooooooooooooo WAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!

Not my Maria!! NO NO NO!

A bolt of SHUT THE F^&$ UP went through my body. It was like I was an uber religious person and someone had proof that the bible was made up. Or I had the same feeling that a dog loving Mike Vick Falcons fan must have had when they read Monday's "Vick to plead guilty" headline. I do not know. I was too distraught to come up with any more weak A$ metaphors. Not my Maria. NO Fn WAY!

Here are the reported quotes from Maria's ex-lover, Maroon 5 front man, Adam Levine.

"She wouldn't make any noise during sex," Levine said. "I can't tell you how disappointed I was. I really thought, like a lot of guys, that she'd be the loud screaming type. But instead, she just lay there like a dead frog. She even got angry if I started to moan, said it 'ruined her concentration.' It was so disillusioning that I went on Paxil for a month afterwards. Really, it was much more of a shock than when I found out there's no such thing as the Easter Bunny."

All of my fantasy dreams had just been erased. Similar to the time I had Best Buy fix my computer screen on my laptop and they ended up erasing my hard drive. I still boycott them and Circuit City gets most of my techie coin.

Anyway, not only is my Maria screwing some B-rate garage band loser, she now sucks in bed? Why smear frogs and the Easter Bunny too? Leave them out of it. Levine is going to pay for his vicious sour grapes!

I was ready to pull out some GOP Dick Cheney/Karl Rove style GOP attack on Levine's credibility. When you do not like the facts of the message, just attack the messenger and SMEAR AWAY BABY! CIA Agent what? Handicap Veteran Senator Who?

Levine was going to pay. As soon as could I type Levine and douche into a google search, I came upon this site.

It turns out the Russian website did a parody on Levine's quotes and it is not true!!

I was so willing to trust US magazine on this one and I guess the "I went on Paxil" line was a dead give away.

However, Levine is still a dbag and his band sucks. Besides his shitty radio music, some 11 year old playing in the LLWS said Maroon 5 was his favorite band. Enough said. Levine has the Nickelodeon demographic down pat!

As for the Maria scare, WHEW!! Please resume Maria fantasies and afternoon Spank Bank deposits in 1.....2.......3.

Vicious Maria Rumors
Russian Gossip Mag
Cele Bitchy
US Magazine made me REALLY excited again


Mac Gs World